Trying to Explain My Anxiety

Today I am going to be vulnerable. I want to explain to you why I have canceled dinner plans, study dates, or simply going shopping with you. Let me sincerely apologize. I'm very sorry.

See, this thing called anxiety likes to keep me from doing things or going places that others might think is so simple.

To break it down for you, I find myself becoming quite anxious in social situations that I feel I can't "escape" from. For example, restaurants can be really hard for me. They are loud and there is just a lot going on. When I was in high school, going on FFA trips were sometimes a train wreck because we always rode the bus to competitions and conferences. Busses were hard, because you can't escape a moving bus. A lot of the time, what makes me anxious is thinking about the next time something will make me anxious (which is absolutely crazy, but my brain is persistent about it.)

It makes me feel a bit uneasy to even be talking about my anxiety because it seems so silly, but maybe I can help just one person by writing this, and that's all that matters.

The American Psychiatric Association describes anxiety as "a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations. It can alert us to dangers and help us prepare and pay attention. Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness or anxiousness, and involve excessive fear or anxiety. Anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and affect nearly 30 percent of adults at some point in their lives."

Anxiety attacks and panic attacks show symptoms such as a racing heart, dizziness, blurred vision, fear of death, trembling, sweating, and shortness of breath. The ones I feel a lot are, a feeling of choking, nausea, and numbness or tingling sensations along with chills or hot flushes.

When I was 14 years old, I realized how I was feeling was not necessarily "normal" compared to my friends. I did not understand why I would get this really weird feeling in my stomach in the middle of class. I found myself having to "use the restroom" as an excuse to take a moment to gather myself. I was so frustrated how my friends could participate in sports and going out with friends. It was something I simply could not do because of this weird pressure on my chest I got when I even thought about it. I can't really remember my first anxiety attack, because I did not understand what was happening when I was having one.

I had no clue what was happening until I found a beauty and lifestyle vlogger, Zoe Sugg. She made a video talking about her anxiety and I finally understood that I was not alone in this. It's that once I identified what I assumed it was, I could somewhat try to control it. I did however try my best to hide it. I did not know what my parents or friends might think. I mean, how can you be a Christian and have anxiety? I have Jesus in my heart, so why am I feeling anxious?

Anxiety started to build up in high school and miraculously started to decline after my first year of college at National Park. Moving to Fayetteville and attending the University of Arkansas for my sophomore year has helped me tremendously! It has literally pushed me to do so many things outside of my comfort zone. I am learning to just say "yes" (within reason of course.) I still struggle with anxiety on a day to day basis, but some days are harder than others.

Sometimes it catches people off guard when I tell them that I struggle with anxiety. They say, "What? You? Anxious?" I am an Agriculture Communications Major with a Minor in Ag Leadership... this is not a major for the weak let me tell ya. It is intense sometimes, but it is what I love. I am not going to let anxiety get in the way of what I love and neither should you.

Let's get on with the two most frequently asked questions I get about my anxiety. (These are just my experiences and answers, many people are different when it comes to anxiety.)

1.) What do you do when you start to feel anxious?

• Thankfully, my anxiety attacks build up. They don't really happen out of nowhere. I can feel when it is about to get really bad. Usually, I just start to take deep breaths and find a way to isolate myself. I'm not 100% sure if that is necessarily a good idea, but it kind of works. So if I am at a restaurant and I can feel the anxiety rise, I'll just excuse myself to the restroom or maybe I will step outside and get some fresh air. Sometimes I can calm down and sometimes I just have to ride it out. I have found that a good way to expel some of the anxious energy is to work out and do yoga. 

2.) How does anxiety affect your friendships/relationships?

• My anxiety makes me definitely second guess peoples' intentions with me. This can be good in a way, but it also causes me to build a wall and not truly be able to open up. I am steadily improving in this area though. The best way to get over this is to go out. Make friends. It sounds so cliche, but just be yourself. "Your vibe attracts your tribe," if you will. I really try to push my myself to see my friends. Sometimes a spontaneous lunch plan can be easier than a planned lunch with friends. If something is planned, I tend to sit and dwell and make myself sick over the situation. I learned quite recently that I am in control of my actions and who I spend my time with, not my anxiety. 

It is now January, and I feel great. I am not letting anxiety affect me. I have a big heart, and lots of love to give to my family and friends. It is okay to feel nervous every once in a while, that means you care. Anxiety tried to inhibit me from living my life to the fullest.

I know people experience anxiety is so many different ways. Some feel like they can't just "get up and push themselves" and that is okay. I'm not an expert on this issue by any means, but the last advice I will leave you is from the Word:

Philippians 4:6 tells us, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Psalm 34:4 says, "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."

and the last one which is my personal favorite, 1 Peter 5:7 and it tells us to "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

A lot of the time we tend to feel alone in this fight. Our friends don't understand, maybe our parents don't listen, but what we do have is Jesus. God created us. He knows all of our fears, worries, and anxieties. He is the One is knows literally everything about you. I think that is amazing. Why wouldn't you pray to Him and ask for advice and love and happiness. Some of y'all might say "It is not that simple, Carol Ann." Well guess what, try. Prove yourself wrong, and in the process, you'll find solace in Him.